All posts tagged: Transition

Numb

Today marks four weeks since my mother lost her 2-year fight against cancer and I am still unbelieving that she is gone. I catch myself still thinking she’s a text message or phone call away, but she is not and I am then reminded of being motherless. I had never wished for death to come to my mom until I watched her suffer in her final days. It is a difficult thing to watch, the passing of a loved one, but in the end, I felt relief. The funeral director told me later that despite my mom’s death being difficult, my family was actually quite lucky. At first I was upset, but when he began to explain, I understood his point. For him, he’s worked with families where death was sudden and unexpected. In some of those cases, there is often regret because family and friends wonder if the person who’s passed on knew how much he or she was loved. Feelings and thoughts are sometimes left unsaid. With my mom, watching her health and her spirit deteriorate was difficult, but my family emptied our hearts to each …

A Letter to My Future Son

As March rolls in, it reminds me that 3 years ago I was about to have my son. I remember going through many emotions of fear and doubt but I did something get through it. For expecting mothers write a letter or journal your thoughts to your baby. Writing this before he was born just made it real. It also now helps me remember. While searching through my notes in my phone for an enchilada recipe I stumbled upon this: March 07, 2013 Okay so I have about a week more and I should be giving birth to my first child. I didn’t think this would be coming to fruition. It’s one thing to talk, wish, imagine, but my goodness it’s for real . I’m gonna have a baby! So that’s one thing to think it but I have to survive the labor. Am I gonna handle like a champ or cry and tell them to just cut me? I want to see this baby! Will it look like me? Will it look like James? …

Celebrate Me When I’m Alive

In the last month and a half, I have had a number of friends and loved ones pass away.  I am always saddened of course, because losing someone means a part of you no longer exists in your living life.  But more often than not, I am motivated and inspired to reflect on the following thoughts:  Am I living a life that I love?  Am I living to my fullest potential?  Am I spending my time the way I want to spend my time and not spending it in a way that is expected of me or as a result of guilt?  These thoughts help me to make sense of the loss and to find new meaning in what I believe life is all about. One such loss was the passing of my good friends’ mom, Mrs. Lam.  She was a firecracker and definitely loved living life to the fullest.  I had the honor of sharing the fond memories of her that everyone had written down for me to read during Mrs. Lams’ service.  And …

We’re Back!

It’s been a little over a year since our last official post and since then, a lot has happened to each of us. In case you’re wondering, no, nothing happened between us. Our friendship has remained in tact. It’s just that for the past year, our respective lives required us to drift in different directions and so our friendship flexed and endured, as any strong friendship should. We have continued to love and support each other despite the distance, through celebrations and triumphs, through trials and tribulations, just like we’ve always done, even before Holoholo Girls. Although we felt guilty about letting our little blog go, the time away was good. It provided us with a bit of perspective. We are different now than we were a year ago. Much different. We are stronger, smarter, and more mature, and so our blog will reflect that growth. We will continue to blog as a way to explore our changing and emerging perspectives, but our collective focus may make a slight shift, so bear with us, as …

Pedi-cure Therapy

SITS Day 24: If you are a parent, how do you make time for yourself? Towards the final days of my pregnancy, one of my friends told me to enjoy each day to the fullest.  Some suggestions were to go chill at the beach or go out on a date with my partner or treat myself to a spa day.  I recall questioning her on these suggestions, as I thought it was ludicrous.  Why would I need to take some free time for myself when there was so much I had to do to prepare for the birth of my baby? I also felt guilty as all of my friends did a lot to help me get ready for the baby’s arrival, too.  I already felt like I was being pampered. Well, fast forward to one-year, and now I totally get what my friend was trying to convey to me.  The days go by with a blur and my entire day is focused on one little being.  I love my baby, but at times I just …

Clarity, courtesy of Dave Matthews

Daily Prompt: Always Something There to Remind Me A song comes on the radio and instantly, you’re transported to a different time and place. Which song(s) bring back memories for you and why? Be sure to mention the song, and describe the memory it evokes. I bought Crash by the Dave Matthews Band for the “Crash into Me” single, but the fifth song, #41, ended up on my life’s soundtrack. I was knee deep in transition when I added it to my list of all-time favorite songs. I was recently graduated, gainfully employed, and poorly transitioning out of a relationship. I had also moved from my quaint college town to the big city. It was not a graceful time in my life. I made a lot of mistakes and it was like real life was kicking my ass on the daily. I remember sitting in the middle of traffic one day, trying desperately to get back home. It had been an especially trying day and I just needed to retreat. The AC in my car was on the …

The Permanent To-Do List

Several years ago, I was having a 1/3 life crisis. The world wasn’t feeling as wide as it used to be. In fact, it had started to feel increasingly narrow. Having emerged from my 20’s, the thought of where my life was headed felt more like a prison sentence than an exciting adventure, so I decided to fly to the continent and spend 2 weeks away from my normal routine. In that time, I was reminded that life is as exciting or boring as I want it to be. I had always wanted a tattoo, but was never able to settle on a design. Whatever I chose to emblazon on my skin for all eternity, needed to be profound, timeless, and after my revelation on the road, serve as a daily reminder of life before and beyond the present. The one that seemed fitting was a spiral, which is also seen throughout indigenous symbology, like the Māori koru. Today, whenever I feel stagnant and saddled down in permanency, I glance at my wrist and am reassured that …

Love Left Behind

Four weeks ago, we lost our beloved cat, Simon. It was a sudden and unexpected loss and even now, the thought that he is no longer with us makes me sob uncontrollably. Simon was a 1-year old shelter cat we adopted from the local Humane Society when we first moved to Hilo. He was the most vocal one there and when I walked into the cramped cat house, he was in one of the cages, almost ordering me to take him home. In no time, I was signing the papers to adopt him. After being neutered, he came home to us, bonding immediately with my husband. Simon spent 10 years with us and in that time, he became an integral part of our family. Most of our day revolved around him; the morning and evening routines, the way he needed to be in the same room with us when we were home, and how he sat in the window to watch us leave for the day. He lived to make us happy, to love us, to take …

The Wallflower

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Among other things, I would most want to be more socially capable. Parties and social gatherings are a part of life. They are intended to be happy occasions where family, friends and colleagues get together to catch up, unwind and (as we say in Hawaii) “hang loose.”  However, soirées and obligatory company dinner parties have never been my favorite pastime. Standing at the threshold of a party already in full swing, I often find myself retreating to the back corner hoping not to be noticed.  I don’t mean to be anti-social; I just appreciate anonymity and I’m quite content fading into the background. As a young girl, my parents would often drag my sister and I to community social events. There were always children running amok, playing tag or hide-and-seek. My sister had no problem jumping in the crowd and making friends. I, on the other hand, retreated to the senior citizen section quietly observing the coming and goings of people. At school I …

Letting Go

“The Tao Te Ching says, When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. Have you ever struggled to find work or love, only to find them after you have given up? This is the paradox of letting go. Let go, in order to achieve. Letting go is God’s law.” Two years ago I was deployed to an Undisclosed Location in Southwest Asia.  How the heck did I get there? I’m in the Air National Guard, a skilled communications member in support of Spartan Shield.  But before I was cleared to go on Thanksgiving Day a year prior I just had an ACL replacement, was attempting to start a family and was settled in a job I loved. Life was great, then why did I volunteer to head across the world? On this deployment, only being there a few weeks I admitted that I never wanted to have a baby more than I’ve had before.  Good place …

Enough

I worry. I worry about not being smart enough. Ambitious enough. Maternal enough. Outgoing enough. Thin enough. I know I’m not alone. Feeling “less than” haunts me, albeit to a far lesser degree these days. Gratefully, self-acceptance comes with age and hard-earned wisdom. I now acknowledge the distant light at the end of the tunnel that doesn’t seem so far anymore, that all the time I took for granted is now speeding by, and that the years of youthful experiences help me to put my life into perspective. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized, I had never asked myself or was concerned about whether or not I was “happy”. It was easy to fool myself into thinking I was, especially when the adrenaline associated with a high-paced life can be mistaken for fulfillment and “busyness” can justify bouts of anorexia. I forged on, thinking this so-called “happiness” was normal, so when flare-ups occurred, I responded by engaging in palliative treatment, working to simply alleviate symptoms, and not getting to the root of the …

Fickle Me

Those who are closest to me are all too familiar with my fickle nature: notorious for taking on a vast array of hobbies; eager to explore creative ventures (sometimes to my detriment); and always working towards reinventing some aspect of my ordinary life. Ten years into my quarter-life crisis, I was nowhere near to figuring out my career, let alone my life’s purpose. The proverbial carrot and stick approach to living a successful life only added frustration and disappointment to an already beaten and bruised ego. Lost, scared and desperate, I ran to the closest book store and purchased a mount of self-help books hoping to find reassurance and direction on how to cope with the anxiety attacks, self-doubt and overall dissatisfaction with my life. In retrospect, I probably would’ve saved myself a lot of aggro and time had I just gone to a therapist to “sort” through my issues, but my stubborn and self-reliant nature wouldn’t have it. I took a risk and let go of promising career in corporate sales and marketing to …