Kainoa, Nostalgia, Transitions

Numb

Today marks four weeks since my mother lost her 2-year fight against cancer and I am still unbelieving that she is gone. I catch myself still thinking she’s a text message or phone call away, but she is not and I am then reminded of being motherless.

I had never wished for death to come to my mom until I watched her suffer in her final days. It is a difficult thing to watch, the passing of a loved one, but in the end, I felt relief.

The funeral director told me later that despite my mom’s death being difficult, my family was actually quite lucky. At first I was upset, but when he began to explain, I understood his point. For him, he’s worked with families where death was sudden and unexpected. In some of those cases, there is often regret because family and friends wonder if the person who’s passed on knew how much he or she was loved. Feelings and thoughts are sometimes left unsaid.

With my mom, watching her health and her spirit deteriorate was difficult, but my family emptied our hearts to each other. We all said how much we loved each other, every day, several times a day and when she finally passed, there was no regret, no feelings left unsaid; only relief that her suffering was over.

My family cries because we are reminded of the void she’s left in our lives now that she’s no longer with us. I miss the funny and fiercely determined woman who instilled in me the qualities that have shaped me into who I am today and who loved me unconditionally.

I love you, mom.