The Hands Free Revolution recently posted an excerpt from Deborah Bryan’s blog that truly resonated with me. Just reading the first few lines I started to get misty eyed. Those who know me well, know that I am not a very emotional person. I am not one to spend so much time contemplating a decision based on how I feel. But, rather make decisions from a logical and analytical perspective.
“How are you?” What once seemed like a simple polite way to greet someone has turned me into an emotional hot mess. How can these three words cause me so much grief? Lately, I have been struggling with letting go of the inevitable that my baby is growing up and though I want to spend every waking hour with her and protect her from any danger or pitfalls, she needs to learn to survive in this world. I have also been struggling with who will be her caregiver while I return to work full-time. What once would have been an automatic response of, “my parents will watch my daughter while I am at work,” has turned into the unknown. Finding someone I like, someone I trust and most of all someone reliable has been so hard.
Other countries, like Sweden and Norway, have such great paid parental leave. I wonder why we cannot adopt some of these practices? I never thought I would be one to want to stay home with my baby. Every moment I spend with her I try to be as present as possible. I won’t get those moments back. My husband and I are blessed to have this little girl in our lives. Having to part with her several hours a day is going to be difficult. Knowing that I may miss out when she learns to sit up on her own, learn to hold her own spoon, or take her first step is agonizing. I have been so emotional lately, I am simply exhausted. I never knew it would be this hard.
I will treasure each morning and evening feeding. It is usually our quiet time where we regroup and connect. When she looks up at me while she feeds I am in awe that she is mine. I will remember to hold her hand, and talk with her about my day. As I go through this transition, I have to trust my decisions. I cannot control everything, and need to let go.